In relationships, understanding the roles we play can shape the depth and quality of our connections. Let’s explore these two distinct roles:
Maintainers
Maintainers tend to thrive in their comfort zones. Their focus is often on the basics—financial stability, health, friendship and career paths. While these aspects are essential, maintainers might find themselves in a complacent connection, checking off boxes without delving deeper. It's a safe zone, but can it truly be fulfilling?
In these partnerships, there’s a common feeling of “If it ain't broke, don't fix it." This mindset often leads to a stagnant relationship dynamic, where couples stay on autopilot as long as they don’t see any glaring issues.
Maintainers tend to overlook the subtle signs of disconnection. As long as there aren’t obvious red flags—like frequent arguments, declining communication, financial stress, job pressures, or changes in physical and sexual intimacy—they may feel reassured that everything is fine. This can create a false sense of security in the relationship.
When these red flags do emerge, maintainers often justify them as normal occurrences in long-term partnerships. They might think, "This is just what happens when you’ve been together for a while," or "We’re just busy with work and kids." This rationalization can prevent them from addressing underlying issues and hinder their growth as a couple.
However, it’s important to recognize that a lack of obvious problems doesn’t equate to health in a relationship. True connection requires ongoing effort and attention, even when things seem stable. By acknowledging and addressing these subtle shifts, couples can foster a deeper, more fulfilling partnership.
Expanders
Expanders, on the other hand, embrace growth and exploration. They go beyond daily routines, seeking to deepen their bond with curiosity and creativity. Expanders actively look for new ways to connect—intimately, physically, mentally, and emotionally. They prioritize regular check-ins, ensuring both partners feel seen and heard.
Expanders play a transformative role in relationships, pushing against the expected norms and challenging the status quo. They understand that a thriving partnership requires more than just coexisting; it demands intentionality and effort.
These individuals are not afraid to step outside their comfort zones. They actively seek ways to deepen their connection, showing curiosity about their partner’s evolving interests, dreams, and needs. Expanders are attentive and thoughtful, consistently looking for opportunities to create quality time together that nurtures their bond.
While they may enjoy the highs in their relationship, expanders recognize that sustaining a meaningful connection requires ongoing work. They’re committed to riding the waves of both good times and challenges, always striving to keep the relationship dynamic and engaging.
By regularly checking in with their partners, they ensure that both individuals feel valued and understood. This ongoing dialogue not only strengthens their emotional intimacy but also fosters growth for both partners, allowing them to evolve together.
Rediscovering Connection in Relationships
As a therapist, I often encounter couples who enter therapy questioning the core of their partnership. They appear to be managing well—running a household, partnering in life, achieving career success, and enjoying financial (ish) stability. On the surface, everything seems content. However, as we delve deeper, we uncover a different story.
Many couples find themselves in a "maintainer" role, where the familiarity they once cherished has faded. They realize they've stopped checking in with their partners, missing out on the evolving dreams, desires, and passions that define who they are today. Instead, they remain in the “snow globe” of their early relationship, a preserved version that no longer reflects the dynamic individuals they have become.
Just like in our careers and friendships, continuous learning and growth are vital in relationships. It's essential to stay curious and engaged, to inquire about the evolving person beside us. Don’t get stuck in the “we know everything about each other, we’ve been together forever” scenario.
In partnership, it’s essential to recognize which role we play and how we can shift towards being an expander. The goal is to create connections that inspire growth, joy, and deeper intimacy!
Let’s challenge ourselves to break free from complacency! Regular check-ins, open conversations, and genuine curiosity about each other can reignite the spark and deepen our connections.